The pain in me

Do you know that I let myself treat myself like crap?

I still missing you everyday and night.

I can't rest my mind while I was sleeping, I kept dreaming of you, non-stop.

Everytime you posted something on path, the pictures will appear in my dreams.

(P/S: I dreamt of the "MIA" hotdog which I did for you on our movie date)

I wanna sleep longer cause that's the only way to stay beside you, or even get closer to you..

But those dreams were crap.

It was torturing....

I sleep in pain every night, I thought it would be better when i wake up the next day.

But it didn't work, I still wake up with the pain in me, EVERY-FUCKING-DAY!!

It's like my daily routine, I'm sick of it....

I hate being so vulnerable, I hate it when I lose you AGAIN.

I hate myself for loving you, I hate myself for still missing you like crazy!

I hate myself for not being the one for you!!!

And sometimes, I hate you for just letting go like that.....

Sometimes I wonder how do you do? Are you doing good over there? Do I ever cross your mind? 

Are you talking to someone new? Are you..........

YEAH, I KNOW! IT'S NOT MY FUCKING BUSINESS ANYMORE!! I KNOW!!!!

I just can't help it.

I never knew that our relationship would be so fragile.. 

The thought of "You & Me, Against The World" breaks right after you left me behind.

I wonder how did you make it like everything were so fine?

Do you know how hard I tried not to let myself for crying over you? Do you know how hard is it?? 

It feels like the tears were pulling me down to the floor and it tears my heart when it dropped.....

Do you feel the pain in me? Do you know how pain is it?? Do you know how hard I tried to pull it back?

Do you know???? 

You lock yourself inside your own world, you don't allow anyone to enter the secret world of yours;

I tried, but still..... You asked me to stay out from there.

I can't even reach you when you were down...

For that moment I hate you for being so introverted. WHY??? :(

Since I can't reach you, I'll just be "you". You taught me to not show our emotions, we should keep it to ourselves and deal with it. We shouldn't expose to anyone as we couldn't be so selfish. Yeah, I'm learning all of these now. Trying not to act on it, trying to hide it, trying to be happy, think of other's feelings instead of mine, trying not to contact you even though I miss you like crazy, trying to focus on my work while I get distracted with you on my mind, and yet I have to force myself to focus don't know how-many-million times a day, or may be billion..............I just can't stop thinking of you!!

I want a better me, I wanna be the one for you.